


OLD BLOOD: The Trailer

by webhead3019



Category: Rambo Series (Movies)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2020-10-24 22:08:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20713313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/webhead3019/pseuds/webhead3019
Summary: “OLD BLOOD” is a spoof red band movie trailer I wrote for a possible Rambo VI.





	OLD BLOOD: The Trailer

**Author's Note:**

> While over the top, this is satire and not serious like my other Rambo submission.

First, the narrator asked, “What happens when your government fails you time and time again?” Schwarzenegger steps up to a podium after officially getting inaugurated into Presidential Office of the United States. He announced, “I’d like to announce a new and innovative campaign for Project: Skynet. Time to go hasta la vista, baby! Baha!” The President mimics a childlike explosion with his lips, causing millions of US American citizens across the country to gasp in terror. John Rambo dead stared his TV screen, shook his head, and mumbled something incomprehensible.

Second, the narrator asked, “What happens when you can no longer pay off your medical bills because of the pharmaceutical infrastructure’s greed?” Rambo stuck the back side of a ballpoint pen in his mouth and bites down on the capsule. He calculates by mumbling inside his head, “Wait, what number comes between 10 and 11? 10... 11... 12... fuck!” The scene cuts to Rambo taking a hospital by storm and yelling, “I fucking hate math! Count this for me, motherfucker!” Rambo takes out an assault rifle and fills an evil doctor with an entire magazine of bullets.

Third, the narrator asked, “What happens when you’ve just finally been pushed past the edge of zero return?” Rambo faced a man down and growled, “Get off my plane.” The camera zooms out to a bird’s eye view, showing that Rambo is most certainly not on a plane. The man corrected Rambo, “Actually, we’re on a boat.” Before he could say anything else, Rambo kicked the man off the boat. The man screamed as he fell to his crushing death. The narrator said, “The obvious solution is to just fucking go Rambo... because why the shit not?”

Rambo wrapped a Depend adult diaper over his head and tied it off like he would his sweatband. A man walked up from behind and addressed him by surprise, “Um, John? John Rambo? You realize that’s not your bandana, right?” Rambo instinctively spun around and hurled his insulin shot at him like a throwing knife. The syringe stuck through the man’s the left side of the man’s throat and out the right. Blood and insulin squirted out of his neck like a fountain. The man twitched and gurgled uncontrollably before fainting backwards.

Rambo asked, “What did I say about sneaking up on me? You’re gonna give me a heart attack one day, you know that? Huh? Is that what you want?! You want the old man to drop dead?! Well come over and make me, piece of shit!” Rambo sprung forward and down to proceed climbing on top of the man. He struck the man hard across the cheekbone with his fist, not processing that the man was already dead. Rambo shook him by the collar said, “By the way, that’s not how you use insulin, dumbass.” Rambo slid the needle out of the man’s throat and flicked it clean before tucking the syringe back into his ankle strap.

The scene cuts to a bully in a hospice lobby laughing, “Nice crutch, dumbass. You get that from Nam?” Rambo threw the crutch at him and impaled the bully through the penis. Rambo said, “No, dipshit. I got it for being a great shot... in another war.” The bully screamed and squirmed, but he couldn’t move, as the crutch was pinning him against the wall. Rambo picked up a spare emergency wheelchair. The bully groaned in pain, “Owie, owie! I’m only 12, you crazy geezer. Ow, fuck. Ohhhh. Now I’ll never get laid.” Rambo said, “Respect your elders... or die!”

Rambo held the wheelchair high in the sky as the bully held out his hand. The boy pleaded, “No, wait! I learned my lesson!” Rambo explained, “I haven’t... and I never will. You won’t either.” Rambo smashed the closest tire over the bully’s head. He spun the wheel and jerked to the side, snapping the bully’s neck. Rambo hollered, “Have you learned your lesson?! Huh? Yeah, take it from me, kid! I haven’t learned a single lesson since the 1980s!” Rambo took a bag of rock cocaine out from his chest pocket.

He popped the bag open, dumped it out on the floor of the hospice, and stroked them across with his fingers until they formed lines. Rambo minced up the lines with his hunting knife until they were just loose enough for the snorting. Rambo scooped with the side of the knife as though it were a tea spoon to taste snort the first batch. He dropped face first and snorted the rest with only 2 whiffs. Rambo tilted his head back as his eyes turned bloodshot. He cackled and blew out a raspberry whinny as if he imagined himself as a horse.

Rambo felt himself come alive in a sea of ecstasy and screamed, “WHOOP! WHOOP! HAHA! WOOOO-HOOOO! THAT’S THAT BOWIE, ARKANSAS SHIT! I’M BRINGING THE 80S BACK ONE LINE AT A TIME. YOU CAN’T KILL THE CAVALRY! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT BIG MEAN RAMBO HAS BEEN DOING THIS SHIT ALL THIS TIME! BAHAHAHAHAHA! KYO-KYAIIINEE! WEE-HEEHEE! AHAHAH! AGGHH! AAHHHHH! RAMBO, WHO?! RAMBO, HEY! RAMBO, RAMBO, RAMBO, YEE! YO, ADRIAN! WOOOOO! YEAHHH!”

“RAMBO VI: RATED G FOR PORN! COMING SOON TO A VA HOSPITAL NEAR YOU!”


End file.
